Well, it was a new year for the books, the first new year where I was having so much fun, I ended up staying up until 6.45am on the 1st of 2010. Drinking and Singing till the early hours of the morning. I have to admit its wasnt all fun, I got a few realisations and as I still ponder on what I was told (or what i can remember of it). Every new year I think what I would like to change for the new year, every year its seems I think the same things, and as of now I still do not end up accomplishing them. Weather it is a result of me being lazy or just deep down I dont care.

No matter how much I think about it, I keep giving myself excuses. Even though i realise this, I dont know how to do anything else. Which is very sad, I want to change things, just I lack the knowledge, self confidence and drive to actually get them done. I am left with 1 question... how to fix this situation I find myself in. The answer continually aludes me, I think i am waiting for some help or an experience that may just not come which may leave me having a lonely existence.

I have always wondered, how to people get good self esteems and good self confidence. I would think a good home life and school life through primary and high school. Which gets harder and harder these days. You move through high school being the geek and butt of so many jokes you cant remember anymore. I suppose the natural end of this is to be me. Wishing to be alone because you can avoid things that could hurt you, but wanting to be with people because you dont want to be lonely. It is the ultimate catch-22, I suppose it all depends on risk taking, the risk may not be evident to people but to you it is a risk. I suppose with all this comes the ability to always see the worst possible end result and act assuming that will happen. I suppose it can be a good thing, but it is also a curse since you are always sitting back not doing things because of a possible outcome.

I have also wondered, what it would be like to be self confident in what i do. Instead of always being worried about something. How to live a care free couple of days. Hell to live just 1 day would be nice. There is always something nagging in my head, something to be worried about, something to think about, something that you wish might happen (and knowing it wont).

If anyone ends up reading this, you may wonder why I do this. I suppose it helps me put things in perspective in my head. If you actually know me in person you may get a shock about some of the stuff in any of these blog entries. All i can say is dont worry, we all need to blow steam ocasionally, I suppose in hindsight I dont do it nearly enough, but Ill be fine.

Now for your viewing pleasure: