Well, I am finding it incrediably hard to get into the christmas spirit this year. I think money worries are my number 1 issue at the moment. Not working for 3 months (not getting paid) is a pain in the ass. I cant help but think im a complete dick most of the time. Especially when it comes to giving and doing things for others. People are so much nicer than me, the difference normal people who are complete dicks, I know i am doing something bad and still do it thinking of the possible downsides and lack of knowledge on my part to take an other type of choice.

My current job, is sessional work, which means i only work while I am at Uni. So when it comes to the summer holidays I have to make the little money I have stretch for 3 months. I am not as lucky as some of the people at Uni in my course who managed to get paid work placement, instead I never got anything, like last time. So spreading the money becomes a pain as I am still working but not being paid for it. Sometimes I wish Uni was over and I had a full time job, just so I was being paid all year round. But unfortunately that isnt true. I suppose all i can do at this time of year is be a complete dick as people by me presents and I cant recipricate since I am on a tight budget because of me not working for 3 months. All i can do is smile and say thanks, and feel like a complete dick. You know there is a reason I like being alone, I dont have to deal with all of this stuff, but then I would become a lonely bitter person, more than I already am.

Only 3 years ago, I enjoyed christmas, I had the spirit, these days I find that i am more bitter than I should be for this time of year. I dont like being like this, but I suppose this is me. I feel bad for things that are out of my control, and are in my control but would cause problems. Sigh seeing possible bad outcomes sucks....badly. Sometimes I wish i was more like normal people, dont't think of the worst possible outcome but thinks of the best and does it. But i suppose I cant change who I am, i have to embrace it and hpoe for the best, even if the best doesnt look very good at this point